I have come to reliaze that i'm not good enough for him. I don't think before i talk and it embareses him to much. He deserves someone better then me! its the ms it has totally fuck up my mindm i used think before i talked its like now the filter that most people have before the talk i lost.

ITS 430 IN THE MORNING AND I'M SITTING HERE THINK IT WOULD BE SO EASY TO END IT. I CAN'T TAKE IT MUCH LONGER. MY MOM FINALLY GOT A JOB AT MACY'S SHE STARTS WED. THATS GREAT I'M GLAD THAT NOW TAKES SOME OF THE STRESS OF ME BUT THAT STILL DOES NOT HELP WITH DECEMBERS RENT. I NEED 738 BY THE 5TH I'LL HAVE 540 OF IT ON THE 3RD WHEN I GET MY DISABLITY SO THAT IS HALF OF IT. BUT I STILL HAVE TO PAY THE CABLE THATS 150 BECAUSE I DID NOT PAY IT FOR NOV. PLUS 98 FOR THE PHONE WHICH AIN'T BAD, 147 FOT THE CAR INSURANCE.

I KNOW WHEN MY MOM GETS HER FIRST CHECK SHE'LL PAY HER CAR PAYMENT AT GET MY BROTHER A BIKE FOR HIS B-DAY AND THEN SHE'LL GET MAD THAT SHE DOES NOT HAVE ANY MONEY TO GO GAMBLING AND SHE WILL WANT ME TO FIND AWAY TO GET HER SOME MONEY.

I HAVE ALL READY SOLD ALL BUT 25 OF MOVIE COLLECTION I DID HAVE 2000 MOVIES. I'VE START SELLING MY BOOK COLLECTION JUST TO KEEP ARE HEAD A FLOAT. IT TAKES 2000 A MONTH TO KEEP US GOING.

I NEED TO GET GLASSES THATS 300 THAT I DON'T HAVE I'M SELLING OFF MY MOVIE COLLECTION SO I CAN GET MPOWER BECAUSE IF I DON'T WE WON'T HAVE POWER COME SUNDAY. I NEED TO PAY 89 FOR THIS STRERO THAT I PUT ON LAY WAY I HAVE PAYING ON IT FOR A YEAR. AFTER I SEND THE 89 ITS ALL PAID FOR AND I CAN GET IT.

MY FRIEND FOUND OUT THAT SWIFT WILL TRAIN HIM TO GET HIS TRUCK DRIVING LICENCES SO IT ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE HE LEAVES, HE IS 42 AND HE IS SO SMART I COULD NEVER HOPE TO BE AS SMART AS HIM. I KNEW I WAS SETTING MYSELF UP TO GET HURT AGAIN LETTING MYSELF BELIVE THAT SOMEONE COULD CARE ABOUT ME. I'M NOT MEANT TO BE HAPPY!

I'M SITTING HERE LOOKING AT A BOTTLE OF PILLS AND WONDERING WHY TO KEEP LIVING MY BROS B-DAY IS THE 29TH I CAN'T KILL MYSELF RIGHT BEFORE HIS B-DAY HE WILL BE 15 HE DON'T NEED ME ANY MORE AND AS MY SISTER SAID SHE DOES NOT HAVE TO RESPECT ME CAUSE I AIN'T HER MOM. I ONLY GAVE UP EVERYTHING FOR HER AND MY BRO I'VE BEEN TAKING CARE OF THEM SINCE I WAS 15. I GAVE UP LIVING WITH JOE HE IS NOW DEAD I HAVE MS GOING BLIND I REALLY DON'T HAVE MUCH TO LIVE FOR.

I WAS HAPPY FOR A WHILE I KNEW IS WOULD NOT LAST NOTHING EVER DOES. I JUST WISH SOMETHING GOOD WOULD HAPPEN FOR ME BEFORE I'M NO LONGER ABLE TO SEE I ALWAYS WANT TO GO TO ENGLAND BUT I HAVE GIVEN UP ON THAT DREAM IT WILL NEBER HAPPEN I CAN NO LONGER WALK I CAN'I TRAVEL ACROSS THE OCEAN BY MYSELF EVEN IF I DID HAVE THE MONEY. ITS NO LONGER A POINT TO HAVE DREAMS MY DREAMS WILL NEVER COME TRUE. I CAN ONLY MAKE SURE MY BROTHERS DREAMS COME TRUE. THEN I CAN DIE KNOWING HE WILL BE HAPPY. I'M GOING TO STOP WRITING NOW I'LL WRITE MORE. IF I'M STILL ALIVE!

I'm going insane i'm tired know one in this family is any help. I still have not paid the rent why beacuse i don't have the money. I ask my uncle to help but he won't even though he has money. He is the only one well off. I had my mom call my grandma friday and she said she would check if she had it and call us back but she never called. Now instead of calling her back after she did not here back my mom did not do that because was she said she would call back here the thing my grandma has alztimers she forgets things so she probably forgot.

Now i know 2 grand is alot of money but my mom won't try hard to get a job and we are at the end of the line. I can't do this any more take the responspility of raising my brother and sister plus my mom they have no respect for me at all. me and My friend you is living with us do all the cleaning and cooking the three of them are a bunch of lazy mother freakers.
You would think a 52, 17, 14 would have the brains to put the dishes away and help us keep the apartment clean but know the think a magical fairy comes in at night does every thing.

I ask my sister wed to empty the dish washer and she still had not done it friday night so when she came home i yelled at her and told her to but the damn dishes away and she had the never to yell at me that she just got home and she was tired and she would do it later. now they been sitting there for three days finally i screamed and my mom got up and but all the dishes away but why did i have to tell them what to do all the time its common sense when you see something that needs to be done do it.

I'm tired of stressing out about where the money is going to come from i'm tired of no one respecting me i want to leave so bad ain't funny. I'm trapped i just had a heart attack and has a pace maker put in do you think my family would let me recover i was suppose to be on bed rest but for 2 weeks No as soon as i came home from the hospital the left me alone for 3 days and then it went back to the way it was. i'm not suppose to use my left arm but i have been becaise i can't do anything in the damn cast.

I just called my grandma no answer why my mom did not do it earlier is beyond me i woke up and found her sleeping f*** man she slept all night where i was up all night worring abou the rent and bills i crashed at 7 this morning and did not wake until 2. i call my grandma no answer tommorrow is sunday the bank will be closed so now i'll have to pay 65 in late fees on top of the 735 for rent.

i'm going to stop ranting now my chest is starting to hurt thats never a good sign.

Well its been awhile since i have posted, well it weird i have never felt this way towards anyone since joe. But i think i'm falling for my me next door neighbor. I like him we watch movies together and talk about things he is 41 and i like older guys. He is not british but i like him i can't explain it. I feel like i can be me i'm happy.

Now i just have to work up the nerve to tell him and then deal with the whole touching thing i panic when people touch me.

i'll write more latter

WHY CAN'T I GET A BREAK I'VE BEEN BEING THE ADUALT SINCE I WAS 15, NOW I'M 31 AND STILL HAVE EVERYTHING ON ME. WHY CAN'T MY MOM GET OFF HER ASS AND GET A JOB? i'VE SOLD ALL 2000 OF MY MOVIES NOW I'M SARTING TO SELL MY STAR TREK STUFF THAT I HAVE BEEN COLLECTING SINCE I WAS 10. MY MOM WON'T EVEN GO TO THE KIDS DAD AND TRY TO GET THE CAR PAYMENT MONEY NOW APS WANTS TO TURN OFF THE POWER LIKE 75 DOLLARS IS GOING TO BANKRUPT THEM STUPID SONS OF BITCHED MY MOM IS USE LESS. SHE HEARS ME ARGUING WITH THEM DOES SHE OFFER A WA TO GET THE MONEY NO!

I'M SO SICK OF THIS AND THEY WONDER WHY I WANT TO KILL MYSELF ALL THE TIME. I SHOULD JUST TAKE MY BOTTLE OF PILLS AND BE DONE WITH IT!

Well my headshrinker just left I gave her my live journal address,so she can see what i'm thinking and sometimes feeling. I'm not sure if that was a smart idea i'll see next meeting. That took me a lot of trust to do that I don't trust people! so am not sure if i did the right thing?

I'm tired of living she gave me some good ideas to help myself, i'm still not sure if talkin to someone is safe, it has always been my experience that when you talk to people it ends up biting you in the ass.

I'm going to try to talk to my uncle about paying the rent and if he does not want to give me the money he can always write out a money order to them.

I want to sleep now so i'll write more later.

Well its now 5:23 sunday morning still can't sleep it is so aggravating. Anyway my sister is still not home she was suppose to be home at 1:00. She is drinking to much and partying she is going to come home pregnant.

I ain't raising no more babies.

Wow I just did the most stupid thing in the world I helped my sister take the car. She took her friend and brother to a kick back. My mom was going to call the cops, but i told her not to i knew where they where going. And that i want no trouble, my sister is a better driver then my mom! My mom was like its not her car and i said i'm the one who is paying everything so until she pays something she can't say shit. All she wants to do is gamble and you know what fuck it I will take of everything i always do.

When she gets off her ass then she can start being the parent she has not worked for the last 2 years. I have raised those kids since i was 15!

They say God does not give you something you can't handle and I think I'm starting to believe that. I checked myself into the hospital cause I felt I was going to break. They kept me there for 2 days and I talked to a shrink, it helped some but I still feel as if I'm on the edge of breaking. Maybe I should just get away for awhile I will think about it after Joey's B-Day.

I have no idea what i feel? My doctor told me to see a head shrinker and i called and they give me the run around! I flushed my sleeping pills down the toilet because my nurologist told me the side effects of them where weight gain and that defeats the whole purpose of loseing wait! I take so many pills just to live its not woth it any more i need someone to talk to soon before i kill myself. You don't know how hard it is for me to live!